Congrats to Kathryn Bigelow on last night’s first ever win for a woman director and for the david overgoliath victory of The Hurt Locker over Avatar. Though, for the record, I do believe Avatar should have won Best Picture because it’s such a game changing, groundbreaking film. But, I would guess, that the Academy, in some ways, punished Cameron by not voting for him because it was so groundbreaking and so beyond what any of his peers had conceived or accomplished. As Steven Spielberg or Alfred Hitchcock could attest – the more successful you are, the less likely you are to be recognized by your compatriots.
One thing that I found lovely about Kathryn Bigelow’s victory that isn’t being reported much is her age. She’s 58 years young. Ageism is a dirty little secret in Hollywood labor practices, sadly. Almost as pervasive as sexism and racism in hiring practices. I think it might the 21st century dark spot that gets dragged into the light and eventually overturned. Maybe I’m being idealistic, but I hope to see it. Not so much because it may one day (sooner rather than later) affect me and my career, but more so because I think it will have a beutiful effect on the types of stories that can be told by the mainstream industry. That, in effect, it all won’t boil down to teenage boys as the lowest common denominator.
But, that’s not exactly what this post is about…
I just finished teaching what was my last class here at UCLA. I’m sitting in Northern Lights, a coffee shop here on campus. It’s a sometimes beautiful early spring day – a bit blustery here and there, but still mostly sunny. As I walked over from class, I ran into a first year who was on his way to hand in his first 434 script to Hal Ackerman, whose the professor I had at this same exact time – my first year, winter quarter. He was ebullient and relieved, remarking how he could finally sleep. I gave him a wry “congrats,” patted him on the shoulder and then shook his hand as we split – him heading in, me heading out (literally and figuratively.) As I walked away I ruminated on my students applauding when I gave them the “thank-you-for-being-good-students” wrap-up (the applause was a first, something we’ve done for Professors we’ve really enjoyed like Howard Suber, so you can imagine I was a bit surprised), on what that first year’s priority was now that his 434 script was done (sleep) and on that fact that I couldn’t be farther from that mind set if I tried, that I’m focused on what me and my writing partner have to do this week, right now, while contemplating our other projects, and my new found love of playwriting along with my growing desire to write a novel (Because of something my beloved Uncle Joe asked me not too long ago.)
In other words, in my usual roundabout fashion, I ruminated on the fact that I’m not a student anymore and, well, it made me a bit sad, sure, but it also brought to the fore a fast approaching reality – which is “what next?” Which leads me to the title of the post – leap and…the net will appear, right? Normally, I don’t have a huge problem with that. I’m a pretty resilient, stubborn, driven guy. I usually land on my feet one way or another. I guess what I’m realizing is that I really love my life as it is right now in L.A. and I’m scared, very, very scared (irrationally, probably, but I figure I’m allowed) that I will lose this life in some fundamental way. I’ve never loved my life in that way before. I was always in transition, wanting but not having or being. Now, I feel like I am just being and even though it can be hectic and very unpredictable, it’s always simply wonderful in the end.
What this is driving towards is the decision – to leave officially at the end of the next quarter, or to go through graduation and leave the door open to a tenth quarter in the fall, to buy myself some time. You see, I think my partner and I are close, instantly closer, for deciding to go basically all in at this juncture; but I also believe that it’s wisest or healthiest to keep the year ahead in mind. As in, be able to at the very least take care of yourself for a year. For me that’s a $20,000 price tag. That’s for bills and rent. That keeps my life in place as is. It’s a lot, but not a lot, you know? If I wrote two more pilots, that would cover it. Out here, I’m in that odd position of being able to work as a writer in unforseen ways to get by, but I haven’t quite gotten to fully employed as a writer yet, and the flip side is less than bartending, as I like to think of it. That means minimum wage and the like. I’d love to get a teaching gig, but so would everyone else and with all the budget cuts and economy, getting a teaching gig might just be more luck than anything else. But I’m constantly looking and hoping.
I know I’m rambling a bit here, but again – I never imagined how the dream would end or what it’s sequel would be. Don’t you usually wake up mid-way through? How wonderful to not have that happen with this dream, but then, because it didn’t, I should really consider the obvious question: what next? This decision on the tenth quarter needs to happen relatively quickly, thus the sudden focus on it. My FAFSA(Federal Financial Aid Form) is not in and I’m past the priority deadline, plus I have to declare for graduation by April 30th. Plus the reality that the ten week quarter will fly by, that I’m literally three short months away from needing work or income immediately. Which leads to the question which I’ve skirted so far in Los Angeles – how do I do that here? (Make “getting by” money, while still hustling for the real goal – becoming a working writer.) I know I’m asking a ton of questions and not providing any answers. I don’t mean to cause anyone back east any anxiety, just being honest with myself. I don’t have any answers right now, and that could very well be the irrational fear talking. Who really knows until you’re through the looking glass?
So, what do you all think? If you leap, does the net appear – eventually?